im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm way too hungover for life right now
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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