filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
