I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
