I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
