Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
