every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
