Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
you made out with another girl for some wings
Randomize
