$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
