I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
