Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize