You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize