why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
