i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Randomize
