tonight lets celebrate not being married
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
