I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
