Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i drank out of a bidet.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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