the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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