You just made me feel so damn special
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
