Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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