you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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