Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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