my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
