True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
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