My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Swine flu is the new snow day.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Randomize
