My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
