you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
