My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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