i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
