I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
