i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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