I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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