dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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