SEEEEXXX PLEASE
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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