Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
we're so committed to being not committed
Randomize