so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
