He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
