oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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