just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
