Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
