My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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