About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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