I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
