Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
