How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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