um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
