peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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