So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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