I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
