Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize