Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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