Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
