go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I could fuck to npr.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
