I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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