I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Welp...herpes.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
