How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
