I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
