The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Randomize
