You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
